Dude. Wow. You had me fooled.

I'm here for you.

thanks man. i appreciate it. its going to be a rough few months. but she knew. she knew i was gay and i was trying SO hard. but i am tired. i cant do it anymore....

Wow, that's gotta be really hard, Speedo. Just know that you're going to live the life that will make you happy and you can be yourself. PM me if you need anything.

Massive hugs for you, Speedo. It really takes a lot of courage to be true to yourself. I admire you for that.

Best of luck to you; I have faith that everything will be ok in the end. Just know that you're in my thoughts

thanks all. my wife is asleep an i just need some support. thanks to all. and, it feels good to come out to you guys. this is another place i can now be true to me.

It breaks my heart to read about how unsupportive your family was. I know you have no idea who I am, but regardless, I'm rooting for you finding happiness in being who you are meant to be.

That too A LOT of guts to do, Matt. You have my support and my respect. I wish you the best of luck.

Speedo, my friend, you have tremendous courage to finally take charge of your life like that. I'm so sorry that you have absolutely no support with your fam (trust me, I know how that is). Please know that I'm here for you, PM or e-mail me if you need to chat or whatever, and good luck man.

You carried that load to long. May both you and your wife find peace now that all is in the open.

Wow, Matt. I have renewed respect for you- what you said took balls.

I can say just from my own personal experience that lying to oneself and to the ones we love can be a tremendous burden on the psyche. I say this because we've spoken privately about some issues and you've mentioned anxiety on the boards before, so if you can take anything away from what I went through, it is worth saying again.

I've found that my greatest periods of anxiety (crippling, panic riddled anxiety) are when I've not been true to myself. There was an underlying problem that I couldn't see so I covered it up with drugs and alcohol and for a time was more promiscuous than I'd like to admit. I got on psych meds, but that only prevented me from killing myself- it was not until I got the strength to look inside and find out what was truly making me unhappy that I started to heal. I realized that my family was putting a lot of pressure on me to have the right job, the right lifestyle, and I always felt that I wasn't living up to their expectations.

The point is that I wasn't listening to the tiny voice inside of me, I felt like I didn't know myself anymore when I got out of college, I had no identity, no truth. Truth be told, I didn't want to move to Australia, I went because I equated marriage with happiness, and I thought if I could make him happy, I could make myself happy.

I'm not trying to make this post all about me, so I apologize if it comes off that way- I mean it only as an example so you can take strength by knowing that others have gone on this journey that you are about to embark upon and have arrived healthier, saner, and happier.

What you are saying and doing takes tremendous courage. It will probably be the toughest thing that you'll ever do, but you will emerge from it stronger AND! The anxiety will go away. Remember what life was like without crippling depression and anxiety? You sir, will get there- it will be yours.

It takes a good man to tell the truth to those they love. I'm certain your wife is hurting right now, and I know it is not your intention to have this hurt her. It's a rock and a hard place.

I'll PM you my phone number. PDBsg and I are often up at odd times, and I'm happy to lend you an ear if you need it or be any help that I can.

thanks Phal. and everyone. i was sad last night and talking it out in post helped me out.

Thank you for telling us. It gets easier every time.

Being gay is not the end of the world. In fact, it's a beginning. Look for support groups--you're not the first person to face this mid-life.

Wow. I agree, that takes a hell of a lot of balls man. I can't even imagine what that would be like to have to hide who you are for that long and pretend to be someone else.
Good luck with everything Speedo.

this also explains the rather odd string of joke threads from you lately.

I'll be thinking about you today.

*hugs* Definitely here if you need to talk or anything else.

Wow.

PM me if you need anything. I think I have you on IM as well?

Well, I don't know if any thing will ever fully explain Speedo joke threads.

We all you no matter who you are attracted to. It may be a little rough at first, but not nearly as bad as what you have already endured trying to hide it. You are doing the right thing. You can always come here if you need some support along the way.

*hugs* This must be a very hard time for you and it does take a lot of courage to finally be who you truly are. I hope that you find happiness and peace now. If you need anything I am just a pm away.

thanks all! doing better today. im going to open my own checking account on Monday! i have never had one!

Re-reading the thread, it sounds like your wife shares some of the blame, for not letting you go when you told her 10 years ago, and watching you self-destruct from unhappiness since.

BOTH of you will be better off.

((((HUGS)))) that took a lot of courage and no matter what Tribe is here for ya. You know how to get in touch with me if you need some one to talk too.

I'm sure in time she will see it is better this way. She will realize she too is not as happy as she deserves to be. And maybe once she sees you truly happy she will understand everything.

Speedo- Sometimes just saying it out loud is the hardest part. It will get easier. You definitely have a lot of work ahead of you, but you'll get through it, and you'll both be better off for it. Good luck and godspeed.

Matt, I admire your strength and your courage. I am glad that after so long you are facing this, and starting a new chapter in your life.

I heart you big time! Please don't hesitate to PM or email me if you need anything.

To all of the Tribers who are masking a problem that would be easier to tackle head on, remember a line from Shakespeare.
"To thine own self be true" You all know that in the end it will be the only way to have peace with yourself. Some already know this and others are just finding this out and still others will be at peace with themselves when they realize that these few words are the start to solving their problems.

I don't know that congratulations are in order, largely because these situations always seem to leave only wounded, disturbed people in their wake, but better late than never, mate. Good on ya. Having worked for several years for a "healing" ministry, I can't begin to count the number of ridiculous, demeaning and destructive relationships our narrow social standards have imposed on people who felt they just had to go along to get along--'s why I bailed, by and large. It's enough to drive anyone mad, being forced to live up to others' often arbitrary, frequently crippling expectations--particularly when they're rooted in fear and ignorance.

I hope the next few years are better than the last few, that you find a partner (or partners) who understands what you've been through and what you've yet to go through, and that you find all the peace and happiness you deserve in your life. Nobody should have to conceal their personal reality behind a facade built of their and/or others' fears, expectations and desires for their life.

You've a hard hill to climb, but your peace of mind and your freedom is entirely worth the work once you've sloughed off the ways you've traversed and move onto the one you're built for. So, hell, good luck and, uh ... if you ever need a "Birds and Bees Guide to Sweet, Sweet Anal Lovin'" I'm yer man.

Best of luck, cat.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! I went back and read your profile right after I read this thread and it broke my heart to read your sexual orientation. I don't have to imagine what it is like to not be able to be true to yourself for that long. It was not until I was married about a year and had my son that I finally started to realize how ed up my family life was growing up. In the past 2 years I have finally been able to really open up to myself and be the person I was meant to be (piercings, tatoos, and all). My husband has a lot to do with that. He is a great guy who accepts me for who and what I am. He loves me no matter what. There is going to be a time after you move out that you will find that person. That closeness, that feeling of "home" in someone, and like a lightswitch it's going to come on and your going to KNOW what it feels like to be truly loved, truly accepted, and truly free. More than likely, all those anti-depressant/anti-anxiety pills will go out the window (just an FYI - Paxil is a BITCH to wean off of - take it from me I was only on 25 mg and it took me 6 months to get off it - the physical side effects are a killer if you try and do it too fast ). I wish you much strength, support and love. I do hope your family is on board with this. Being gay doesn't make you less of a son, brother, or friend. Being openly gay should make that relationship better, stronger, and happier. You have support from me if you need it. Just add me as a friend and I can talk whenever you want. I am on this computer a ridiculous amount of time. . Sending love your way baby.

You have such courage to finally get this out in the open, massive hugs and kudos to you, that took a lot. I really wish your family would have be there to support you, its a shame they can't be more accepting with you just being who you are. I wish you all the best with this new path of life you're about to explore and live, and hope you find happiness.
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